A Definite 365/10
Move over Morbius, there’s a new cinematic masterpiece in town. Yes, 365 Days: This Day, the long-awaited (but was it really?) sequel to 2020’s erotic thriller is here to fill that 50 Shades of Grey gap in your life. And that title is pretty accurate, given the sequel feels like it drags on for 365 days. This Day takes forever to get into its plot, unless you count two people having sex while loud, annoying music plays for the first 25 minutes a story. Persevering through these scenes we’re rewarded with the real meat of the plate but by that point it’ll be tough, cold and unappetizing. That aforementioned dish is the film equivalent of a bland, watered down telenovela riddled with clichés and thinner than the patience many viewers will have going into this one. When our two leads are done with their over-the-top, poorly acted lovemaking, Laura and Massimo find their relationship strained thanks to the latter’s job. Massimo’s work starts to get in the way, given he’s a gangster of course, leaving Laura bored and longing for better days when she was kidnapped and forced to fall in love with him over 365 days. Anyway, when she notices Massimo acting out of character and heading off at a party with another young woman (no spoilers here!), Laura runs away and straight into the path of a chiselled, gorgeous, buzzcut sporting “gardener” called Nacho. He’s certainly mowed a lot of lawns, given Massimo has taken him on, and even lives in his father’s big villa. However, shady conversations on the beach seem to depict that there’s something else going on. Is Nacho running some sort of shady gardening business on the side? Is he importing super-powered lawnmowers from abroad? Could he be making a fortune selling garden gear to middle-aged dads wearing sandals and socks, admiring their new barbecues for the summer? Or is there something else going on? All will be revealed! The story is perfunctory, for the most part, and if you didn’t know better, the movie plays out as a parodical erotica. The thing is, the writers aren’t self-aware enough to make this distinction and actually move into parody territory. It’s like that scene in American Pie when Jim awkwardly wanders over to Nadia and just gets involved in the conversation, laughing along before bailing. 365 Days This Day also has a really bizarre tone and pacing, with the middle portion slumping into bland mediocrity as Nacho is introduced and he starts hanging out with Laura. The story is never that interesting, as many viewers will probably suss out that Nacho doesn’t have thousands of lawnmowers being sold on the black market for his shady gardening business. And that’s before mentioning the dialogue (oh god, the dialogue) which is just bad all round. As a result, we’re left with this garbled, jumbled mess that feels like a bad telenovela rip-off and an embarrassing advert for erotica thriller. But despite all that, we’ll be tuning in to watch part 3 of this one won’t we? In the words of Martin Scorsese: “This is cinema.” Read more: 365 Days: This Day Ending Explained
